littlewhitey's Servers Forum (SA-MP/VC-MP/MTA/Zomboid)
Other => Off-Topic => Topic started by: Usmanulamin on May 29, 2015, 11:17:46 AM
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Its the time to laugh & enjoy with the Best Joke's in our Littlewhitey's JOKES CAFE.
Kindly share the best Jokes you have heard, you know or someone has shared with you.
Only English Language please!
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I'll give it a start.
2 men got bored in a meeting...
1st said: the meeting was so boring even my hips slept...
2nd: yup..i heard them snoring thrice...
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Husband: every time I hit you, you never fight back. how do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat.............
Husband: how does it help
Wife: I use your toothbrush!!!!
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I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
edit by Quickplay: instead of double/triple posting you can always modify your last post with the appropriate button
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Put some more jokes, please. I hope I would laugh at least on one.(okejoke)
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For you Freak.
A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman:
- Do you have any bananas?
- No,I don't. ( says the barman)
- Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey)
- No,I have not got any bananas!!!
- Do you have any bananas?
- If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!!!
- Do you have any nails?
- No,I don't.
- Do you have any bananas?
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(https://littlewhiteys.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.pandawhale.com%2F45018-Billy-Dee-Williams-clapping-gi-87wh.gif&hash=7dfd7991d189d72b3585ff2034394752f4e20b58)
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Alright heres a joke but dont take it seriously ;)
InC.
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Going to McDonalds for salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
____________________________
- Smith!
- Yes, sir!
- I didn't see you at the camouflage practice today!
- Thank you, sir!
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What is this topic .____________.
PS. When two hunters hit on each other.
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Perfect example of confidence:
A junior in an office dialed his boss's number by mistake & said :
Hey, send a coffee in my cabin in two minutes !...........boss shouted : do you know whom you're talking to ?!!!!!!
Junior : no!
Boss: i'm the boss of this office.
Junior (in the same tone) : & do u know whom you're talking to?
Boss: no!
Junior: thank God. (and disconnected da phone)
Another one:
Employee sent SMS to his BOSS:
"Me sick, no work"
Boss SMS back:
"When I am sick I kiss my wife try it"
2 hours later employee sms 2 boss:
"Me ok, ur wife very sweet"
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Hunsband is on trip, lover comes to wife. Wife is covering parrot's cage to prevent him seeing all and later telling it her husband.
They are fucking one, twice... And then lover says:
"I'm bored. Let's make such a thing: I'll climb a wardrobe, then jump to chalinder, will ride on it, and then jump and come in you?"
Wife: "Let's do it!"
Parrot: "Better cut my fucking tongue off, but I want to fucking see it!!!"
::)
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A few days ago, Japan Prime Minister Mori was given some basic conversation training in English before he visited Washington and met US President Barack Obama.
The instructor said to Mori, "When you shake hand with US President Obama, please say 'how are you. Then Mr Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?'.
Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, the translators, will do the work for you."
It looks quite simple, but the truth is:-
When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said "Who are you?" (Instead of 'How are you?).
Mr Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:"Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha."
Then Mr Mori replied, "me too, ha-ha."
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
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Lol Amiel :D :D
Here's one from my side.
Wife: Can you help me in garden??
Husband: What do you think, I'm Gardener..??
Wife: Can you fix door handle??
Husband: What do you think, I'm a Carpenter..??
In the Evening when husband came from the work, He saw everything has been fixed..!!
He asked: Who fixed this..??
Wife: "Our Neighbor but he gave me 2 options..!!
Either I should give him burger or a kiss..!!"
Husband: I'm sure you must have given a burger..!!
Wife: What do You think, I'm McDonald's..?
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LMFAO!
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Last Sunday was my Birthday, My wife, parents & kids didn't wish me, I was really sad.
I went to work, my friends didn't wish me.
As i entered my cabin, my Secretary said "Happy birthday boss!"
I felt special,
she asked me for lunch, after lunch she invited me to her apartment,
There she said "Do you mind if i go to my bedroom for a minute?"
"Okay" I said nervously...
She came out few minutes later with a large cake,
followed by my wife, parents, kids, friends, everyone Shouting Happy Birthday!
& I was sitting there,
.
.
.
.
NAKED..!!
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haha old one but good
and i heard the same joke on reply # 15 but it was Baking Cake and Sex ;p
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A few days ago, Japan Prime Minister Mori was given some basic conversation training in English before he visited Washington and met US President Barack Obama.
The instructor said to Mori, "When you shake hand with US President Obama, please say 'how are you. Then Mr Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?'.
Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, the translators, will do the work for you."
It looks quite simple, but the truth is:-
When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said "Who are you?" (Instead of 'How are you?).
Mr Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:"Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha."
Then Mr Mori replied, "me too, ha-ha."
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
[lol]
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Lol amiel, your post finally got my lips curling after a long list from...usman.
Here's a joke.
Yea. You got the joke right? I've already said it twice.
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do u guys want to see joke?
go in front of mirror and u will se.e joke xD
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Lol amiel, your post finally got my lips curling after a long list from...usman.
Here's a joke.
Yea. You got the joke right? I've already said it twice.
I see what you did there :D
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Lol amiel, your post finally got my lips curling after a long list from...usman.
Here's a joke.
Yea. You got the joke right? I've already said it twice.
I didn't got the joke : /
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Lol amiel, your post finally got my lips curling after a long list from...usman.
Here's a joke.
Yea. You got the joke right? I've already said it twice.
I didn't got the joke : /
you've just said it for the third time :D
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Lol amiel, your post finally got my lips curling after a long list from...usman.
Here's a joke.
Yea. You got the joke right? I've already said it twice.
I didn't got the joke : /
you've just said it for the third time :D
You be the forth one lol
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Lol amiel, your post finally got my lips curling after a long list from...usman.
Here's a joke.
Yea. You got the joke right? I've already said it twice.
I didn't got the joke : /
you've just said it for the third time :D
You be the forth one lol
He didn't
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Once four Engineering students were partying till late night and didn't study. For the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt. Then they went up to the dean and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
The Dean was a Just person so he said that you can have a retest after three days. They said they were ready.
On the third day they appeared before the dean. The Dean said that as this was a special condition all four were required to be in separate rooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in last three days.
The test consisted of two question with a total marks of 100.
Q1. Write down your Names. (2 marks)
Q2. Which tyre burst ? (98 marks)
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Well, I left VCMP some days ago and didn't come on server or on forum. But today, I read all these. So before saying all of you a goodbye!.. I have a joke!
Two guys raped a girl and get caught by police
Policeman asked both of them to go separately and bring a fruit or a vegetable.
One guy returned first and he had apple in his hand.
Policeman asked him to put it in his ass so he will feel how much girl was hurt.
He put it inside and started crying. As the another guy came, he started laughing immediately.
Policeman said, "What happened? You started laughing immediately while crying."
The first guy said, "He got lemons in his hands.."
GOODBYE EVERYONE :)))
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The doctor to the patient: ‘You are very sick’
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?’
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too…’
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A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
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(BUMMED)
Never tell someone the three things in your life.
1)...
2)...
3)...
Like i said never tell someone the three things you noob ....
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ok here is mine: joker is a good clan
:D
PS: Try not to burst of laughter pls :v
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ok here is mine: joker is a good clan
:D
PS: Try not to burst of laughter pls :v
Lolz ;D
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Here's mine:
I hate Math, but i love counting my money 💵
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funy hue hue hue :D :D :D :D
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! No longer available (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsU4ipSCX-U#)
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funy hue hue hue :D :D :D :D
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Doctor: I'm sorry Enzo, you are veryy sick and not going to make it.
Enzo: Oh shit... Doctor, how much longer do I have?
Doctor: Three
Enzo: Three years? Months?? Days???
Doctor: Two
:))
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I've got the best joke of 2015.
InC.
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I'm gonna tell you a scary story...
My grades.
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Black humor everybody:
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S. ;D
No offence though, I love Mexicans!
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Help-desk guy speaking to a lady user
Help-desk: double click on “My Computerâ€.
Lady: I can’t see your computer..
Help-desk: No .. Click on “My Computer†on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer ??? !!
Help-desk: There is an icon labelled “My Computer†on your computer .. double click on it.
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer ?
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Oh oh!
Recently in the IT shop:
Enzo: I bought this mouse here yesterday and I want to get my money back.
IT Guy: Why?
Enzo: Copy & Paste doesn't work.
IT Guy: Show me.
Enzo plugs mouse into computer, right-clicks on a file, clicks copy. Enzo unplugs the mouse. Plugs mouse into different computer and tries to paste.
Enzo wtf ::)
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MOAR MOAR MOAARR!!!!!!
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One day... there was a gay.
His name was... Puranjay.
He wanked... onto dispay.
PC was being gay.
PC had made a ray,
And turned into... gay.
If ray touches the display,
PC would be a gay.
The ray... raised right to sun.
And owned clouds like sons.
Went thru AC/DC.
And came to my PC.
By luck, I wasn't on,
Was biting the python.
But there was a man!
It was playa. WHAT? Damn...
playa had hurting knee,
Suited like... a bumblebee.
He stole PC with ray,
And was being a gay.
This PC infected all:
From the tall to small,
It was like the gay Day Z.
He even infected Puber Z.
I had my laptop broken,
And saw Gay Z being spoken.
Started playing AC/DC's
To cure the PC's.
Somehow... it managed to work.
By the time I robbed York,
There were alot of pork,
So I went to Cork.
Robbed London, Bristol, Cork.
Had overweight cause of pork.
Then I went to Rome,
But by mistake got to home.
The next will be normal week.
Slut will suck a dick,
Gay will kiss a gay.
Just, Puranjay... DON'T WANK ONTO DISPLAY.
#NoHate. All names are taken cause of rhymes.
#SelfMadeSongsFTW ;D
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Are you kidding me ???
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Lol negative
Nice one :D
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Oh oh!
Recently in the IT shop:
Enzo: I bought this mouse here yesterday and I want to get my money back.
IT Guy: Why?
Enzo: Copy & Paste doesn't work.
IT Guy: Show me.
Enzo plugs mouse into computer, right-clicks on a file, clicks copy. Enzo unplugs the mouse. Plugs mouse into different computer and tries to paste.
Enzo wtf ::)
Serious background! I installed Mouse Without Boarders (https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/download/details.aspx?id=35460) to be able to copy files from my laptop to my PC over the network by simply dragging them from screen to screen.
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Never needed PC to copy + paste.
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Sam: Dear sir, I want to ask you something.
Teacher: Yes Sam, ask me, what do you want?
Sam: Sir, do you punish anyone for something they did not do?
Teacher: No Sam. Why should I?
Sam: Thank you sir. That's a relief. I haven’t done the homework.
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Sam: Dear sir, I want to ask you something.
Teacher: Yes Sam, ask me, what do you want?
Sam: Sir, do you punish anyone for something they did not do?
Teacher: No Sam. Why should I?
Sam: Thank you sir. That's a relief. I haven’t done the homework.
Hahaha ;D
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Teacher: who will tell the chemical formula of water?
One student: Its "h.i.j.k.l.m.n.o."
Teacher: What is this?
Student: Mam, yesterday you told us that it is H to O !!
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A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he doesn't succeed. Finally, he goes to a world-renowned doctor for help.
The doctor examines him and says, "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much that it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter."
"What's the cure, doctor?" asks the man.
"We have to cut off 6 inches," replies the doctor.
The man thinks about it and, eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation.
The operation is a success, and the man stops stuttering. Two months later, he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put the six inches back on. Not hearing anything on other end of the line, the man repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!"
Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you!"
"F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you!"
"F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you!"
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I came home from school and said to my mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
My mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
I replied, "My homework." :P
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"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card.
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You can always use the appropriate button to modify your posts instead of double posting. :)
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You can always use the appropriate button to modify your posts instead of double posting. :)
I know but thank you for your advise.
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Never ask a girl her age.
Never ask a man his salary.
Aaaannddd....
Never ask a student his grade... :-)
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
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I've to go so ill tell a short joke.
A JOKE
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One Day 8 year old kid raped a girl
And the matter reached the court
Lady Lawyer : (Holding the Victim's Penis) do you even think this little penis can rape anyone??
Kid : Slowly to Lady Lawyer, don't move your hand up and down otherwise we'll lose the case
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A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
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Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?â€
Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!â€
Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?â€
Patrick, “What school?"
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+BUMP+
Boy-Can i Hold your Hand?
Girl-No!
Boy-WHY?
Gal-bcoz it Hurts when you Leave
it.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Boy-Ma kasam, Humari Acting... To Ladkiyo ki Over Acting ...
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+BUMPED+
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
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Snowballs.
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One Day 8 year old kid raped a girl
And the matter reached the court
Lady Lawyer : (Holding the Victim's Penis) do you even think this little penis can rape anyone??
Kid : Slowly to Lady Lawyer, don't move your hand up and down otherwise we'll lose the case
lmfao
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One Day 8 year old kid raped a girl
And the matter reached the court
Lady Lawyer : (Holding the Victim's Penis) do you even think this little penis can rape anyone??
Kid : Slowly to Lady Lawyer, don't move your hand up and down otherwise we'll lose the case
lmfao
+BUMPED+
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
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Snowballs.
Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?â€
Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!â€
Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?â€
Patrick, “What school?"
http://www.short-funny.com/ (http://www.short-funny.com/)
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Hey Guys I got a poem for you :D
My Eyes are Black My Dress is blue.
Faces like yours belong in the zoo.
Don`t be mad i`ll be there too.
Not in the cage but laughing at you ;D
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I would make a chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon. :v
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My wife told me she needs more space. I said no problem and locked her out of
the house.
http://funnyquotes4u.net (http://funnyquotes4u.net)
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The boy of ten was sipping his favorite strawberry soda at McDonalds when his pal strolled in.
The boy looked up from the drink and said, “Thought you were over at Jenny’s house.â€
“I’m through with girls,†the other said, “after all, they’re a dime a dozen.â€
“You mean it?†– the boy again halted his sipping.
“A dime a dozen? Gee whiz. And all this time, I’ve been spending my money on sodas.â€
http://jokesfan.com/ (http://jokesfan.com/)
Check out this really funny jokes:
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A lazy man said to another lazy man:
-Can you pls do me a favor
-Me too I want you to do my favor
-Say yours first
-Ok but you must do it before I say it
-Ofcourse yes
-My Favor is do not ask me a favor